I Am a Clown
An artist statement, manifesto, ideas, discoveries.... or rather, why JoyBoy da Clown?
“At the Sands in ‘63, Frank [Sinatra] tells Sammy [Davis Jr.] he’s gotta keep smiling, because he’s a Black man in a black suit in a dark nightclub and at least his teeth were white. And so Sammy smiled his way through an era of knives.”
- Hanif Abdurraqib, A Little Devil in America: In Praise of Black Performance (2021)
This is a quote that I like to keep as a reminder. As a queer Black performer who- like Sammy… and literally every single Black performer living in the western hemisphere- has also performed in dark spaces for audiences that were filled with mostly white faces. The slice of the knife is that Black skin is not a reference to beauty but rather a reminder that the space or stage one occupies is not made for you nor welcoming. More specifically, the lighting of the venue is sometimes so dark that, yes, a patron may only see your teeth and not your face. And yes, I have also been told that this ability to blend into the dark on the account of my skin tone is…a superpower. Hint hint… it’s not. Black performers are therefore expected to smile through these painful experiences and go on stage since “the show must go on” as the old saying goes. We are expected to perform. Maybe even as a shell of ourselves.
I am reminded of the social contracts that were established within performance centuries ago - even predating minstrelsy. Comparatively to the monarchs and noble people of the past. Not much has changed has it? If not, then I am a clown or or rather a jester who paints on a wicked smile and goes on stage to entertain the royal court, the elites, the rich white folks. Make them feel good. Make them think but not too much. Distract them from reality but teach them about it too. Sometimes when the tickets are cheaper, I can even perform for the peasants er- the working class, the artists, the masses. No matter the internal turmoil that may arise, I must go on stage happy and grateful. And I am expected to do it over and over and over again. With a smile on my face.
But that’s not sustainable, right? What happens when that makeup melts off and the forced smile withers? Have we given space to discuss how microaggressions, isolation, and discrimination does to a person who enters the entertainment field out of love for the craft of making theater?
Enter JoyBoy da Clown. A performer who dons white face/red nose clown makeup. An androgynous character with a big heart and a small brain. Their heart does not stifle emotions but rather brings these grievances to the forefront and lays them out for the audience to observe. Through the use of dance, comedy, and physical theater, my intention is to create a character that dances through different mediums of expressions to present the following questions:
Where is the distinction between spectator and performer? At the expense of the performer’s suffering, does the audience’s participation transform from consensual voyeurism into further subjection? Is the audience a voyeur or contributor to the performer’s suffering?
I’m not sure. So, I am taking to the studio and the stage to figure that out because if I don’t, I’m convinced that I won’t be able to move on from what has hurt me. Performing in theater for a living has been one of the most courageous and joyous things that I have decided to do with my life. It’s also been one of the most painful as it coaxes me to step away from my integrity too many times. It’s conflicting. I love the thing that hurts and leaves me very confused. But one of the last things that I want to do with my time here on Earth is hide from that pain and embarrassment. So, I am diving into JoyBoy. And I will need to laugh while doing it.
If you read this far, here is a video of the dance section in my latest work in progress.
Peace out till next time you fools!
